Jhonen: It's 8:22 P.M. All is well with the trip so far. We've been on the road for about an hour now, so I am still very happy, except for the fact that I have to use a restroom with an urgency I haven't known since that one day I had some urgency. It is a pain so terrible within me that I wish to choke Rob to death for having just passed up that last gas station. There won't be another one for maybe an hour, so I am angry.
We wanted to get some food before leaving, but the Noah's Bagels was closed. After I stopped weeping, we were on our way.
We're now on the Pacheco pass, on the way to LA It will be about 2 A.M when we reach the hotel Nickelodeon has supplied for the night.
Primus is on the stereo, and Rob has taken first driving shift. I am glaring at him for missing that exit. I think I am beginning to hate him. Or maybe it is the peepee talking.
We arrived in the freakish and freakishly expensive Hotel Mondrian at 1:00 AM. The lobby was crawling with drunk, pretty people, posing and flexing their muscles, social and physical. It frightens me.
The room is unbearably nice. Two rooms! Nickelodeon is putting us up for one really nice night while Jhonen pitches his ideas for an animated TV show. It'll all be downhill from here though, since the remaining Hotel rooms will either be ones we pay for or that the bill is footed by a Comic Book store. I don't want to touch any of the foods they have lying around as I'm sure they'll be hideously expensive.
This Nickelodeon thing scares me. I think Jhonen having access to young
minds in such large numbers is one of the seven signs of the apocalypse.
If Jhonen gets this show, build bunkers in your back yard, stock up on
the canned foods and prepare for the end. But make sure there's a TV
down there. Otherwise, you might miss "The Simpsons."
Jhonen: Here we are, Rob and I, just approaching Phoenix AZ on our way to Mesa. We've been driving for about 7 hours now, and the fear of hemorrhoids runs rampant.
We are both very sleepy, and not a little sick from our road cuisine consisting of Starburst fruit chews, beef jerky, Coke, and popcorn. It is hottidly hot here, and the speed limit is angering us, being so used to doing above the 55 standard that seems to plague this place.
The Golden Apple signing in LA went okay, but I was disappointed by some T-shirts that did not arrive. They were supposed to have the new design I did for the roadtrip, but they were, apparently, not done yet.
We acquired two new companions in LA- David James, and Grey Hill, who are hours behind us in Grey's pickup. Grey has a weird stomach.
We've hit, maybe, three people driving so far, but I think they were already dead.
Rob's voice is really beginning to grate on me. He keeps talking, and sometimes, even, he uses sound to communicate. I can barely tolerate it. Him and that fucking beef jerky.
Truthfully things are going decently. We are in a desolate wasteland known to the natives as Nevada. This is the first time Jhonen has been out of the state and it shows. Signing tomorrow in Phoenix.
Yesterday's signing went okay. No casualties. Many enthusiastic fans. It
is encouraging to see. I am trying to put together my own fan base but
it's hard to do when your only claim to fame is that you're "The guy who
screwed the chicken in issue three." Oh, well.
Jhonen: No entry for Jhonen
There was a huge line and we were a half hour late. The mob had to wait in near one hundred degree weather. They were quite upset. Jhonen is bigger here than Howard Stern.
Nice people got us into a free movie and bought us Taco Bell drinks.
Free stuff is good, seeing as no one has any money.
Jhonen: It's 3 A.M, and I'm writing this from the hotel in St. Louis. Various hideous things contributed to my inability to write any sooner than this, so I've much to tell. I'm not at all certain as to how much of it is actually interesting.
Arizona was hot like some sort of hot thing that makes you feel like dying just to escape the heat, but the people were lovely, especially the people from Atomic Comics.
The hotel room was more casual and much more bearable to me after the spooky and sometimes aggravating valets and doormen of LA I was able to get my own filthy, insect smeared car whenever I wanted to, without having to ask some creepy jerk to get it for me. The only thing that made the Arizona room at all unpleasant was the proximity of others. With four people staying in the room, Rob, Dave, the new companion, Gray, and myself, things were less private. The OPTION to have one's solitude is a beautiful thing. But it turned out fine for the three days we had it, so nobody was hurt, except for the pig.
From what I could understand in Arizona, there seemed to be little more to do than get high and tattooed. I did neither. I saw the movie BREAKDOWN, and loved it.
Then I left Arizona and embarked upon a nightmarish 5 day drive to St. Louis Missouri. There were some incredible things along the way, like White Sands, and Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico.
SAD< STUPID< AMUSING STORY- While we rested against our cars after the three hour walk through the caverns, we were approached by a white haired elderly gentleman who wanted to make small elderly conversation. He told us he was 80 years old, and about places he's driven to. We spoke to him for a few minutes, he wished us well, we bid him the same, and he walked away. THEN, he turns back and comes over to us again. This time, he begins with more of the same benign chatter, but OUT OF NOWHERE.....it got ugly. He began to talk about how the "NEGROES and the MEXICANS" were taking over, about how there were just too many of them. He also called them the "BROWNS and the BLACKS". And here I am, all Mexican and such, just looking up at this seemingly nice old man, thinking of how pathetic it all was.
Ah well, he will die soon enough. He was, after all, rather old. We lost Gray early on in Missouri. I dunno what happened to him, but I think it was aliens.
SO LAST NIGHT we got into St. Louis, and my heart warmed at the sight of seeing buildings, and lights again. The countryside was pretty, but the concrete is home. We arrived too early, and had 8 hours to spend before check-in to the hotel here. I shall simply say, we were losing our minds and loving it. Even Rob joined in, but only after being horridly grumpy for sometime. I found the whole idea of wandering someplace new rather amusing. So here I am. Rob and Dave are staying at Rob's cousin's house for the duration of the visit here, so I am here alone. And it feels good. not that I hate them. Rather, I hate Rob. I've slowly been poisoning him. it's interesting to see how his health degenerates. Hee hee.
I saw the 5th element today. God, was I disappointed. Gary Oldman was the redeeming factor, but not nearly enough to save anything. I angry.
I went to sleep relatively early because we had to check out at noon today. See, that's not the problem. Things got bad about an hour later when Grey, Dave and Jhonen decided to list every euphemism for sex they could come up with. "Scoopin' her tube," "He's delivering the Sunday paper," "Putting cream cheese on her bagel." As the night wore on and they became more and more tired, the euphemisms became less and less funny. "Squirting banana juice into her donut hole" being the one that I remember most vividly. The less funny they became the louder and more intense the laughter. This went on for no less than two hours. Over seven hundred new phrases for the act of intercourse were discovered and catalogued and now we must drive today.
We must not die of no sleep on the road of death.
Jhonen: 3:29 A.M DAAAAAAAAAAMN!!!! This computer makes me all frowny with pure nugat filled hatred!!!
You see, I typed up a long, amazing, TRULY AMAZING entry for this day, or rather the preceding day, as it is now in the A.M, and the day I was writing about was Saturday, the day of the Starclipper signing. BUT I LOST THE FILE!!!!! I'm using this Toshiba beast, and I miss my Mac like a small child misses his nose after you play '" Gotch'er nose!!" and then really rip the nose off of the little guy.
Trust me, it was an entry you would have loved. it had it all- ACTION, INTRIGUE, ROMANCE, FANTASTIC ITALIAN FOOD, REFERENCES TO MONKEYS, AND ORANGE GATORADE!!!! " I MUST HEAR ALL ABOUT IT" you are saying, yes? Well, my anger overrides my desire to enlighten, so I will simply give you the shitty, Reader's Digest, condensed version.
The signing went okay, and was actually the most laid back thing I've done in some time. I actually got to speak to people, as I wasn't mobbed or anything near that. It was interesting to be so one on one with them, as opposed to the rush of faces and piercings I'm used to. It was nice. Cheryl, the nice manager, took us out to eat, and I got stuffed. I eat more than half my bodyweight when I just eat a Tic-Tac, so I REALLY got stuffed.
The poison really kicked in today, when Rob began vomiting during dinner. Every one tried being polite by not watching or paying attention as hes insides came out, but it was difficult. Eventually they lost and joined in as I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
But I guess it wasn't that funny.
I leave for Virginia, later today. I wonder if I should be afraid. They've got me put up in a place called the WolfTrap Motel, and I am full of sweaty dread that it will live up to its name. I find that cockroaches make unsavory conversationalists.
P.S: it's amusing how many misconceptions and preconceptions there are about who and what I am. It's funny hearing about what people expect before they show up to these signings. I am certainly not the tall, pale, spooky morpheus some of these people come to see, and I'm not the psychotic moron others would anticipate. They seem so surprised when they see that I am, in fact, a 400 pound, 4 foot tall, halfway transsexual cowboy with10 fingers on each foot. sigh... JHONEN
I don't feel so good. Every meal that I eat is mysteriously making me feel worse and worse. I don't think travelling agrees with my insides. It makes for some pretty colored vomit, though. I'm saving it all in a bag.
Jhonen and I were dying to see "The Fifth Element" all through the trip and finally got to see it yesterday. As hard as I tried to like it, I just can't. Nobody in our little group liked it. I think it was bad. I got my first fan e-mails the other day. One guy said "You have your first fan, chicken-fucker!" I don't know if that's the sort of thing I'm looking for, but it's a start. Keep it up, guys!
We use the walkie talkies less now that we are all driving in one car. We went to White Sands, New Mexico. This is where the microscopic worms gained entry to my stomach via my feet. The worms eat much of the food I swallow before I have a chance to digest it. They allow me to take in huge amounts of food and other materials, while sustaining a normal human weight. The worms are currently working out a sort of contract with my mind and body that allows them full use of it by June 1st, 1997. I am a little worried, but I know the worms will take good care of my body.
In Texas we saw some frogs. They were so small, so cute. They were
migrating across the road. We had to drive over them in order to keep
driving. I felt bad for the dying froggies. Then we saw a whole lot of
lightning. I know that the lightning was bringing the little froggies
back to life which made me happy, but this is hard to explain to the
other people. We drove from Amarillo, TX to St. Louis, MO in one day.
Now we are here.
-David "Skid Mark" James.
Jhonen: No Entry for Jhonen
The past few days, we've been staying at my cousin Julie's house along with her husband Scott and their impressionable youngster Zoe. They've been great and the kid's been reasonably well behaved. Reasonably. Except this morning Dave and I were awakened by the terrified sounds of the sweet toddler screaming "MMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, MMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Which, not surprisingly, awakened us. When the kiddie started screaming for the alternate parent, I couldn't help but think how difficult it must be to live constantly at the whims of a helpless little being that can think only of it's immediate needs. Then I thought, "Kind of like travelling with Jhonen." If this is what it's like to be a parent, I'm signin' up fer the vasectomy tomorrow.
Rob tells me the real reason they call me Skid Mark is because I
haven't
changed my underwear since I got off diapers. I think this is a mean
lie. They call me Skid Mark because I like to rub my forehead in feces.
Thank you computer people for being my friends. Please send me mail. I
need mail... must.... compete.... with.... Vasquez.... must... find...
crystals... need... fuel... to sustain.... BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!
-David "skid mark" James... I am sad and all exploded now. goodbye...
Jhonen: 5:28 A.M Wednesday morning. I should be sleeping right now, as I am to be out of this room in just a few hours, but that never seems to matter.
The accommodations, here in the Wolf Trap Motel, are not as scary as the name implies, so that was a pleasant discovery. The only the wrong with this place is the gaping asshole of a desk clerk.
The Big Planet signing went much better than I thought it would, and I got shitloads of nice toys. Once again, the nicest people were the store workers- We were treated to some incredible Chinese food. I've developed quite the nasty habit of appreciating good food too much on this trip. It always ends up with me being horridly painy for some time after the meal. Then I think of why I am in such pain and I remember the food fondly. I say," AAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHH". Then I go, "Ahhhhhh....MMmmmmmmmmm....". I must admit, I miss, terribly, my drawing desk, in my little room. I do look forward to returning to my work. I've another signing today. This one in Maryland. JHONEN
Some guys are gonna send me video footage of those crazy barn-raisin', butter-churnin', goat-milkin' Amish folk. I think this is a good thing. If other people (this means you) have original videotaped stuff they want to send me, uh... I would like that too. 8mm, VHS, or Super VHS... I like weird footage... (uh... but no doggie tongues in bottom-holes, please.) E-mail me if you want to send stuff...
It is now 5:13 am. I must close my eye. Goodbye. -David (skid mark)
James
Jhonen: On WEDNESDAY!!! I did the signing at Closet of Comics in College Park Maryland. this was, for some even more secretly meaty reason, one of my favorite stops. For once, the people did not spit on me and peepee on me, and I took this as a gesture of kindness. I wanted to stay there longer. I really did. My eyes grow misty with woe now.
Rob's extremities have begun to fall off. I can hear them plopping off while he showers. It's rather disgusting. I bathe in the sink now. JHONEN
The other day, a very nice person asked me to go to lunch with her and I went. See now, here's the mysterious part, okay, Jhonen wasn't around, right? For the first meal in, like, three weeks, I didn't feel sick afterward. It was the only meal I had since the trip began that didn't end up making me feel like I was passing razor blades once the torturous digestion process had completed itself. It actually felt like sustenance.
This cannot be a coincidence.
I can't figure out why, but I'm beginning to think I'm some kind of biological experiment to him. He appears to be testing chemicals on me, seeing what the effects might be. I'm starting to fear for my life. Other than that, everything's fine.
We got lost in NYC on the subways and a group of homeless ruffians anally raped Dave while Jhonen stood by videotaping, all the while screaming, "How do YOUUUU like it, huh? Huh? Video tape man? It's your turn to suffer!!!!" I think Jhonen was referring to the fact that David is video taping just about every embarrassing thing that Jhonen's been doing the last couple of weeks.
Damn, Jhonen's one sexy little piggy.
It is 4:43 am. Uh... after the signing we had Chinese Food with the people from the comic book store (Comic Attitudes, New Brunswick, NJ). We were given fortune cookies. As I broke my cookie open, I tore my fortune in two. One half read, "YOU ARE A GREAT BURD", and the other half read, "EN ON SOCIETY." So I got TWO fortunes instead of one!!! I'm not sure what they meant by me being a great bird (and I think they spelled "BIRD" wrong), but I'm pretty sure "EN ON SOCIETY" is what Brutus said to Caesar in a Shakespeare play or somethin'. Yeah, I'm pretty sure they spelled "BIRD" wrong.
Tomorrow we go to Staten Island. I hear they're pretty good at stealing
things there, so I'll make sure to lock the keys safely inside the car.
And I'll smear my feces all over the steering wheel. This way if someone
does steal the car we'll know exactly who it was because they'll have
dookie on their hands. Ha ha. Dookie on their hands!
-David (Skid Marky Mark and the Funky Dookie) James.
Jhonen: 2:27 A.M. Monday morning.
We are staying, for the night, at the home of Dave's Aunt. Rob and I went out for something to eat about an hour ago, and got locked out. So there we were, two guys in trenchcoats, with flashlights, trying to pry open doors. We had to call from a phone booth down the street. I felt so bad. So....very bad.
We're in now, so all is well again. Rob is sitting on the floor, watching video footage of the tour so far. He is also secreting a foul smelling jelly from his somewhere beyond the dank parts of his pants. He is unaware of this. I don't know why it happens.
I am drinking something blue.
SATURDAY!!!! The signing at Comics Attitude in Staten Island was ......memorable. I can't say I've ever met and been confronted with SO many questionably valid lifeforms in my life. There were people coming up just to ask me who the hell I was, and then wondering if the books were free. Of course, there were some great personalities about, as well as the strange odor wafting in off the landfill.
A girl wanted to take a picture with me, so as her friend was taking the photo, the girl threw herself on me, and then kissed me. Now, don't get me wrong, this girl was very pretty, but that is no reason for one to compromise their demands in keeping invaders from barging into MY PRIVATE ZONE OF COMFORT, so automatically, Rob twists her arms off me and locks her into a HALF-NELSON!! I THROW A FIST INTO HER GUT, AND SHE GOES DOWN TO THE GROUND WITH AN ASS CRACKING SOUND!!! Dave, who normally works the camera, immediately, jumps into audience reeducation mode, and leaps up high, only to come down with his knobby elbow sunken into this girls neck.
By then she had had enough.
SO WE START KICKING HER!! YEAAAAAAH!! SHE'S COUGHING UP BLOOD AND WHITE CASTLE HAMBURGERS ( the burgers were mine, but, I kicked her so hard, they flew through my foot and into her mouth. They tasted like shit anyhow. SHMEAT = shit+meat.) THEN WE LIFT HER UP BY THE ONE TOOTH SHE HAS LEFT, AND THROW HER OUT.
I was hungry after that, so we had some nice Thai food in New York City.
I shall be off now, people. Jhonen
P.S...I am pleased with how many people regret ever having bought the Bad Art collection.
With a gleefulness that only Jhonen could muster for something so silly, he cackled when he got us our single room, the comic book store covering his double. I couldn't help but point out how silly it was that the two of us were staying in a room with one bed and he alone was staying in the room with two. He smiled as if this absurd little fact gave him infinite pleasure, as if the empty bed he'd be sleeping next to would be a beautiful reminder of the tiny, cramped space he had relegated us to and the breathtakingly immense room he alone was inhabiting. The imbalance would somehow compensate for the invasion of space Dave and I have been perpetrating for the past three weeks and for how his precious privacy had been raped by these two lesser life forms that he had ALLOWED to tag along. It was with great pleasure that I called him up and told him we got a
single room that miraculously contained two beds. I could sense over the phone the ever so slight deflation of his happiness, the downright disappointment he felt at our comfort. Us having space somehow took away from the enjoyment he found in his beautiful room! He even ordered me to call the front desk to tell them that there had been a mistake. I could almost hear him calling down himself to insist that we be given the skankiest, thinnest of cushion, thickest of sharp, barbed wire framed cots that they could find in the darkest, dankest corner in the Hotel, so he could sleep peacefully in the knowledge that we were as uncomfortable as we've supposedly made him the last couple weeks. I would feel bad for him, if I somehow felt he were human. We're in Bwo-sten. Dave is snoring. There was lightning outside, but it looks as though it has subsided. Nothing but low grade T&A movies and Children of the Corn III on cable. Bored. Not really tired. So I write this. . .
Yesterday I got this E-mail:
"Skid Mark: I think you are cooler than both Vasquez and Rob. I enjoy reading your entries every day. Please mention me in your next one, thank you. Chris Crosby (nine years old)"
Now Chris, do you actually expect me to mention you in this entry just because you said I was "cooler than both Vasquez and Rob"? Ha! I shall never mention the name Chris Crosby on the internet! NEVER! I am no whore, do you hear me Chris Crosby!? I AM NO WHORE!!! (now gimme da fifty bucks, kid.)
On the bridge to Staten Island today I explained to the lady in the
toll
kiosk that we were from California and that we didn't really want to pay
for these toll roads or bridges and that we shouldn't be forced to do
things we don't want to as this is, after all, the United States Of
America. Then she explained to me that if she let ONE car go by without
paying a toll, she would have to let ALL of the cars go by without
paying a toll... So I stepped on the gas and crossed the bridge and now
everyone has ME to thank for no more tolls!
- David (Skid Marko Polo) James.
Jhonen:2:44
So..... Massachusetts was a lovely city to drive into. It really was.
It rained a lot on the way in, so most of the approach was seen through rain smeared windows. Very nice.
I've successfully employed a magical power taught to me by ancient magical powered guys to allow me to exist as if I were alone. I no longer see Rob or Dave, though, if my power lapses, I can still hear the toilets flushing when they use them. Still, it's a remarkable simulation for private time. Argh...I just heard the toilet.
The signing at Million year picnic was great, and the store itself was lovely- more like a library than a SHOP. It gave the comics a much needed feel of being ART, as opposed to FUNNY BOOKS. It was quite the warm little environment.
I'm beginning to think that some of the people that show up to these things really ARE zombies. I mean, I think they actually rose from the grave to show up to the signings, and I take that as a very fine compliment. This one zombie had me sign his exposed, shriveled up spleen. Other people only LOOK dead, but are quite alive, as I find out after sticking pens into their eyes.
I actually sat outside in the pretty day, before the signing, and just looked around at the city and it's people. I was overcome by the revolting cloud of smoke from all of the people lighting up around me. The world needs a new vice.
Jhonen: I made a surprise stop at LAUGHING OGRE COMICS in Columbus, Ohio.
Yesss......I did.
And for some strange reason, people actually showed up, which freaked me out. I didn't expect much from a signing that was mostly unpublicized, but it ended up being pretty decent, except for that one guy that exploded. I think maybe he was that other guy's brother. The only thing really bad about the decision to stop here was that the dosage of cigarette smoke I took in secondhand is probably going to give me an overnight tumor the size of a soccer ball. Nasty shit.
I saw the Lost World at a sneak preview, and really enjoyed it. It's just so much meaner than the first movie, so I give it points for that. Goofy, but fun.
I cut my hand clean open on the insides of a talking Winne the Pooh doll once. JHONEN
I wrote a song about Ohio and it goes something like this: ...Bum bum bum bum Ohio, Ohio Leaving you makes me cryo Ohio, Ohio I hope that I don't die-o Ohio, Ohio Because that would suck-o Ohio, Ohio Leaving you doesn't make me cryo... anymore
I guess it's a country song, even though it's not about Texas or booze or horses or women or cattle or boots or horseshoes or dead women or linedancing or fences or choppin' up grass or cheaten' women or more booze or more horses or oil wells or ropin' things up (such as cattle or horses or women or booze). I figure you can sorta make up the tune yourself.
So after the Columbus signing (at The Laughing Ogre) we went and saw
that new dinosaur movie. I thought it would have been better if the
dinosaurs had also known gymnastics... which brings me to my dinosaur
extinction theories:
1. Dinosaurs did not know gymnastics; cavemen did
2. Not enough flossing... gingivitis
3. Maybe they DIDN'T go extinct?!!!
And um... hey movie fans, don't neglect the Carnisaur trilogy!
-David James (S.M.)
Jhonen: 2:55 A.M...
CHICAGO!!!!!
I had actually been looking forward to this stop for some time, which is saying a lot, because by this point in this trip, nothing excites me much besides the thought of getting back to work at home and maybe doing something about ending world hunger.
I got into Chicago on only one hour of sleep from the night before, so I was very sleepy and hallucinating. Rob and Dave looked like giant jelly beans, and I hate jelly beans, so I was screaming all the way into the city.
Chicago Comics was one of the COOLEST stores I had seen in awhile, full of neat little alien figures. The signing, again, went very well, except for when that one guy exploded. I don't know why he exploded. It was scary.
After that, I went to a danceclub, after not visiting one since January. this one did me little god, as the people were very nice, and did not inspire any new ideas for Anne Gwish comics. Damn..
Hmmmm.... If one must TRY to be amusing, then no attempt should be made at all, so I should stop writing soon. I am nightmarishly sleepy, but the desire to sleep is not there, so I'm in some hellish, weakened state. This would be the worst time for me to have to fight a hippo. those things are HUGE, and they've got these teeth.
JHONEN
We ate pizza and leftover Chinese food.
We listened to tall, neat-o Tom Jones.
We held hands as we watched the sunset. Wait... no we didn't.
-David James.
Jhonen: 3:21A.M
Here I be, in one of the nicest hotel rooms I've seen in quite some time. This is Minneapolis
Rob is asleep, and Dave is trapped in one of the soda machines outside. Rob sleeps ALOT and Dave really likes soda.
I walked to Big Brain Comics earlier, and along the way, I was confronted by a man handing out flyers in front of the Scientology office he worked for. He asked if I wanted to take a special test to measure my I.Q or something along those lines. I politely declined, and then asked what Scientology was all about, and that I had heard rumors of it being associated with aliens and whatnot. "LIES!!" he screamed, and pulled out a laser beam gun. I ducked behind the flying saucer that was parked out in front of the office, and the metal hull reflected the shot back towards his face, which burned off revealing....well.. revealing his burnt face.
I walked on.
The signing turned out nicely. I got more toys than I'll ever use in my life- my favorite being the MAGNETIC GAK!!!!! It's incredible!! It doesn't taste very good, but that's alright.
After the signing, things happened. Any more detail would involve my having to think about it.
Until next time children.
JHONEN
I've decided to fight back.
I'm slipping the pieces of me that fall off into Jhonen's food.
-David James (foam ejecting from ears).
Our host, David James, his head is turning to poop. We apologize.
-The Worms.